The Sensitive Subject
of Womanly Submission
Richard
Hollerman
The
Biblical topic of the submission of the woman to the man
definitely is a sensitive subject in the twenty-first century. In
the past, men have abused the principle and taken advantage
of their wife and others. Today,
the reverse may be true—a man may be so brainwashed by
humanistic society that he dares not question the status
quo that promotes an egalitarian relationship in society
and especially in marriage.
Both
extremes are wrong. It
is wrong for man—any man—to exercise a mean, autocratic,
arbitrary, dictatorial authority over the woman. On
the other hand, it is also wrong for woman—any woman—to
insist on authority over man and refuse to have a proper
submissive relationship to the man. This is true particularly
in the marital relationship.
In
all of our discussion on this relevant theme, we must go
to God for the answers since He is the one who created “male
and female” in the beginning (Genesis 1:26-27). He
knows our natures best and is qualified to inform us of
His will on this subject as well as what really works best
for both man and woman. This
is not something that is imposed arbitrarily from above,
but it is found without our very nature—the way God made
us.
We
all know that God does prescribe an authority relationship. Perhaps
1 Corinthians 11:3 says it best: “Christ is the head of
every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God
is the head of Christ.” Paul
is saying that though man and woman are equal in regard
to their humanity, there is a proper headship arrangement:
God is the head of Christ, Christ is the head of man, and
man is the head of the woman.
Many
other passages center on marriage and state that the wife
is to be “submissive” or under “subjection” to her husband
(Ephesians 5:22-24, 33; Colossians 3:18; Titus 2:4-5; 1
Peter 3:1-6). Sarah
is given as an example of this attitude, for she called
her husband “lord” and obeyed him (1 Peter 3:5-6). The
husband, in turn, is to love, care for, protect, bless,
serve, and treat his wife with gentleness and kindness
(Ephesians 5:25-33; 1 Peter 3:7). Paul
tells us that there is a reciprocal relationship between
man and woman (cf. 1 Corinthians 11:8-9, 11-12). It
is also good to realize that this submission is to man
and not just to a husband (1 Timothy 2:11-15), although
it particularly relates to the husband (cf. Ephesians 5:22,
24; Colossians 3:18; 1 Peter 3:1).
If
everything works the way God intends it to in marriage,
the man is to love and care for his wife, and the wife
is to respect and submit to her husband. This
doesn’t mean that a woman has no mind of her own. It
doesn’t mean that she is inferior to the man, any more
than Christ Jesus the Son was inferior to God the Father. But
it does mean that the respective roles of the husband and
wife must be observed if we would please God and carry
out the God-created relationship in marriage, the one that
is natural to the very inner spirit of both husband and
wife.
Although
Jesus Christ was equal with God the Father pertaining to
His deity, He was subservient to the Father in regard to
His humanity. Notice
that Jesus was submissive to the Father in this unique
role (cf. John 4:34; 5:30; 6:38; Philippians 2:5-8). He
didn’t object to this subordinate role, but saw it as important,
significant, right and necessary. This
should be the same attitude that the wife manifests. In
this attitude, she is following the Lord Jesus Himself.
In
every relationship of life, we must always remember that God comes first. The
citizen must know that God comes before government (Matthew
22:21; Romans 13:1-7). The
member must realize that God comes before elders or overseers
(1 Thessalonians 5:12-13; Hebrews 13:17). The
employee must realize that God comes before his boss or
manager (Ephesians 6:5-9; Colossians 3:22-4:1; 1 Timothy
6:1-2; Titus 2:9-10; 1 Peter 2:18-20). The
son or daughter must realize that God comes before a parent
(Ephesians 6:1-3; Colossians 3:20; Matthew 10:37). In
all things, “we must obey God rather than man” (Acts 5:29)—if
there should be a conflict between what God requires and
what a human authority figure may require.
A
principle that should be borne in mind by every husband
and wife is that the husband has no God-given right to
force his wife to submit in a way that her Christian convictions
are violated. The
believer’s conscience is a very precious part of his or
her being and must not be offended or violated! We
must remain true to God at all costs, regardless of the
consequences. Just
as a citizen may need to refuse obedience to the government,
just as an employee must sometimes refuse obedience to
his supervisor, just as a son or daughter must sometimes
refuse obedience to a parent, and just as a member may
need to refuse to submit to a congregational elder, so
a wife may need to refuse to sin for the sake of her husband. She
must not have a belligerent, rebellious, or defiant attitude—but
she must gently, kindly, humbly explain that her first
loyalty is to God and the Lord Jesus Christ and she just
can’t sin, even for the sake of her husband.
There
are cases when an unbelieving husband or a worldly husband
may seek to impose his will over that of his wife in matters
of Christian conviction. Maybe
he just wants his own selfish way. Sometimes
a man’s pride is at stake and this is the reason for his
unreasonable demands. Perhaps
he is embarrassed that his wife insists on distancing herself
from the world of which he is part. Maybe
he married a very worldly woman himself and doesn’t like
that she has changed because of her salvation and because
of the Scriptures. And
perhaps he is jealous of Jesus, thinking that her interest
in the Lord is some strange way is disloyalty to him. Whatever
the reason, some husbands stubbornly insist on denying
their wife the freedom to obey the Lord as she understands
it. Granted,
she may be mistaken on some of the minor points, but she
may have deep convictions that she must submit to the Lord
and His Word in many areas that he just doesn’t believe.
We
might think of many examples of what a husband may want
for his wife. He
either refuses to allow her to do certain right things
or he demands that she do certain wrong things that she
cannot do and yet keep her conscience pure. We
think of the following:
I
suppose that the list of possible examples is nearly endless,
for perverse men seem to invent more ways to bring pain
and conflict into the life of their wife.
Somehow,
unbelieving or compromising men may know a little about
what the Bible teaches about womanly submission to the
husband, and they seek to exploit this to their own ends. Selfishly,
irrationally, and wickedly, they try to impose their will
on their wife and insist that she submit to him even when
this violates their conscience and causes them to disobey
the Lord Himself. Such
men need to know that Scripture states that the husband
does have rightful authority over his wife, but this would
be in matters of indifference and areas of right—not in
areas of wrong. In
the context of woman’s submission, Peter says that the
wife must “do what is right without being frightened by
any fear” (1 Peter 3:6). The
wife must “do what is right” even when she must humbly
refuse to obey the evil demands of an unbelieving husband.
The
Word of God is clear that the husband’s love and gentleness
is the context in which he is to exercise his authority
and headship. Instead
of being an autocratic and mean spouse, the husband is
to be a servant leader, one who is filled with sacrificial
love for his wife. This
love is modeled after the intense sacrificial love of Jesus
Himself (Ephesians 5:25-33). If
he has such love, it is much easier for a wife to gladly
submit to his rightful headship. Peter
adds that he is to relate to his wife in “an understanding
way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman, and
grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life” (1
Peter 3:7). If
he has this humble, gentle, kind, and loving attitude,
the wife is more likely to willingly and gladly submit. And
if he willingly submits to God and Christ, the wife should
be more willing to submit to her husband.
The
apostle Paul had “authority” over the believers in Corinth. He
refers to “our authority, which the Lord gave for building you up and not for destroying
you” (2 Corinthians 10:8). In another place, he speaks
of “the authority which
the Lord gave me for building up and not for tearing down” (13:10). Paul
was careful to exercise his authority with wisdom and with
humility. In
one place, the apostle wrote, “I have enough confidence
in Christ to order you to do what is proper, yet for love’s
sake I rather appeal to you—since I am such a person as
Paul, the aged” (Philemon 9). In
like manner, it would be good for the husband to lovingly
and sweetly “appeal” to his wife and not “order” her to
submit to his authority.
On
the side of the wife, she must be doubly sure that what
she is standing for is truly God’s will. It
should not just be her preference or her personal desire. She
can also be guilty of selfishness and rebellion, deceitfully
claiming that she has a Christian conviction about something
when it is not a conviction at all but a personal hidden
desire of hers that is the object of contention. Let
her make sure that she is standing for truth and righteousness
and only then let her insist on obeying the Lord. Generally,
it will be much easier for a husband to allow his wife
to obey the Word of the Lord when he is aware that she
generally seeks to willingly submit to him in other matters.
The
matter of authority and submission, of headship and subjection,
is filled with difficulties. Many
of these come from the fact that we are living in an age
of egalitarianism—in which nearly everyone thinks that
marriage is a 50/50 arrangement with no headship. In
one respect, it may be said to be a 100/100 relationship,
for the husband and wife should live in harmony, according
to the will of the Lord (1 Peter 3:7-9). And
many of the difficulties also come from the fact that not
a few husbands are filled with selfishness, meanness, and
unkindness; many women also are independent in attitude,
selfish in perspective, and rebellious in disposition. This
all comes from sin and it must be crucified if we would
have marriage as God intended it.
A
husband should allow his wife to have some liberty to make
her own choices. He
need not make all of the decisions in order to maintain
his authority. If
you are husband, permit your wife to follow her preferences
in matters of indifference or judgment. Only
impose your will when you are convinced that the part of
wisdom and God requires you to make certain demands on
your wife. Paul
said, “Let your gentle spirit be know to all men” (Philippians
4:5). This
gentle spirit has a special place in the relationship of
marriage.
Husbands,
love your wife and give yourself for her. Wives,
respect and submit to your husband. Both
husband and wives need to memorize choice scriptures as
Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:18-19, and 1 Peter 3:1-9. Let
the husband and the wife joyfully, humbly, and eagerly
search the Scriptures for the answers and let them both
submit themselves to the Lord Jesus Christ who has all
authority and yet loves them with a sacrificial love (Matthew
28:18).
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